Islamists using US video games…

No. Really. At this very moment, terrorists all over the world, are modifying video games into murder training simulators, and conditioning themselves to attack you.

Islamists using US video games in youth appeal
SAIC executive Eric Michael said researchers suspect Islamic militants are using video games to train recruits and condition youth to attack U.S.-led coalition forces in Iraq.

I was going to get all pissed off about those pesky Islamists subverting video games for use against the US until I read this:

Churches Use Violence to Develop Warriors for God
There is currently a nationwide movement to use pop culture to bring teens to God through use of a video game called Halo 2.

“What?!” you say. Well, clearly boys and girls, what we have here is the making of the first Global Interfaith Deathmatch Showdown: Jesus vs Allah vs. Muhammad Vs Buddha vs Shiva. Shiva the DESTRUCTOR! Sunday Sunday Sunday! It’s Monster Deity Demolition MADNESS! Be the first to watch from a distance lest you get too close and lose a soul.

Someone please call the Cyber Athlete League and tell them to get working on setting this up right away. Seriously, this is the solution to all the world’s problems. Think about it: Cyberwarriors from Iran to California duking it out ONLINE in Halo2 deathmathes. An end to war. An end to violence. Brilliant!

And all this time I thought video games were all bad.

12 thoughts on “Islamists using US video games…”

  1. It’s not really fair because Jesus will just rise from the dead and never run out of ammo because he only needs one bullet to start with.

  2. I can’t read the first article, since I get a message stating that it’s unavailable, but the second one was interesting…

    “Somehow, SpongeBob is dangerous to the well-being of our children because he holds hands with his best bud, but letting our impressionable youth sit for mind-numbing hours on end, stalking and murdering an alien civilization with various automatic weapons, is encouraged. And yet we then shake our heads in dismay when our middle schoolers use foul language.”
    “As a Christian and a gamer, this makes my insides cry.”
    “I’m a sinner, but man, at least I don’t have to delude myself to make my life make sense.”

    Funny (but sad…) stuff, but at least they’re not pulling a Dogma “Buddy Christ” thing-a-mabobber…

  3. hmmmm if Zarathustra calls on Ahura Mazda’s fire then he could burn Jesus’ corpse

    kinda like a troll from D&D

  4. Like, fer sure! Who wants a Jesus with a personality when he ALREADY has threats of eternal damnation? That’s just silly! Let’s let all the minor dieties battle it out first. Winners advance to semi finals. Then for the main event “Battle of the Beliefs!” commercial of cousre starring Jesus and Buddah debating boxers or briefs. Lord knows, we couldn’t have it and not let the rich get richer! God/Allah/Shiva/Buddah save us all…

    McGee, the grunts in the field need ammo and you’re the supplier. In America we trust. Have fun and save me a copy of(oh, i dunno) EVERY Twisted Tale. Thanks.

  5. Everyone knows that videogames and those who play them are the spawn of Satan.

    Jeesh.

  6. ARE YOU CRAZY AMERICAN?!

    Putting the image of the Prophet Mohammed in a world wide video game? We’d all be dead in days!

  7. Sounds like a tough battle, I’m just hoping the J man doesnt get disqualified cuz it takes him 3 days to respawn. But all in all When the smoke clears I’m putting my money Mr. Rodgers finishing the fight. Details Details I know hes not a “diety” but ya know he’ll show up for punch and cake. Well one thing will lead to another and before ya know it the sweater changin loafer wearin savior of childrens television will be tearin it up neck and neck with the other guys.

  8. It surely would be a great game.
    Don’t forget Cthulhu or the Flying Spaghetti Monster now.

  9. Ack! Halo 2 bringing teens closer to God?! Tis insane! Stupid churches… trying to find every single piece of media to somehow relate to God. First The Chronicles of Narnia (of course, there may be many others), now Halo 2? Where killing people in futuristic armor and exploding aliens and running people over with Warthogs as a way for teens to come closer to God? The world has gone insane, and I fear we are the only ones who are NOT insane! Videogames are awesome, but come on, Halo? Makes my skin crawl.

  10. A fun follow-up on this I found like five minutes after reading the original article.

    http://arstechnica.com/journals/thumbs.ars/2006/5/7/3874

    “We’ve all seen this sort of video before: in-game “movies” created by gamers to show off skill, tell a little story, or both. This one, for example, uses Battlefield 2, snippets of Team America: World Police, and a speech by George W. Bush. It’s standard fare, really, and nothing particularly newsworthy. Or so it should have been.”

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